Essays

Biting My Tongue Underneath San Francisco Fog
Essays, Queerness

Biting My Tongue Underneath San Francisco Fog

San Francisco's marine layers can meet universal sensations in the most happenstance, poetic moments. The drink sweats as you hum on about three weeks spent in France; Paris, to be exact — a city bathed in passion and fondness San Francisco starts to vanish beneath the fog I notice looking out that window off Castro Street   My eyes return to your dimples, cavernous; I want to see myself getting lost in them how my face would fold into yours; the way butterfly wings meet one another come warm summer days atop bluebonnet fields   All I can think about is how the one before you met me in a chrysalis — spinning each other into madness, clung together by conversations that left my thumbs aching; my lips wet with one too many gin and s...
Here’s Your Permission Slip to Take Yourself on a Date in SF
Essays, Queerness

Here’s Your Permission Slip to Take Yourself on a Date in SF

For those in a state of singledom, Valentine's Day can be hard — but that's not to say you can't show yourself a healthy dose of self-love. Hey babe, I know today, February 14, is a rucksack of mixed feelings — a wicker tote crammed with emotions that oscillate between varying states of fluidity. The insistent push ads on Instagram double as both sources of nausea and nostalgia. Twitter is flapping with threaded odes to loved ones, past or present (or deceased), where sights of clinking champagne glasses ring in your heart like excited smoke alarms. You’ve also been busy. You’ve also been stressed. You’ve also been overthinking. You’ve been defining what it means to be a content human being in this time on planet Earth, too. You’ve also been living through a global health crisis that’s n...
Y’all, (Still) Fuck Jeff Bezos
Culture + Travel, Essays, Nature + Climate Crisis

Y’all, (Still) Fuck Jeff Bezos

A bunch of white people went into space in July of 2021 when California was on fire and Western Europe flooded. *This article was originally published on July 20th, 2021, but has since been pulled from its original publisher and republished on Underscore_SF, unedited. The Dixie Fire — Northern California’s most pressing blaze so far this wildfire season — has burned over 60,000 acres and is just 15% contained. Parts of the East Bay have declared record-breaking levels of drought; the ocean waters off the Pacific Northwest got so hot during this month’s heatwave that it triggered a massive marine die-off event; cetaceans (i.e. the dolphins, porpoises, and whales of the world) continue washing up along the San Francisco Bay due to fatal collisions with cargo and...
On Loss, Love, and Dreaming From San Francisco Into the Next Year
Editors' Picks, Essays, Hyperlocal News + Stories

On Loss, Love, and Dreaming From San Francisco Into the Next Year

'So, good riddance to all of the poking, pulling, prodding, pigeon-holing, blustering, and yanking of 2023.' I woke up so overwhelmed by the dream I had last night. I was at a park with Jackson, who was tied to the bench I was sitting on. Everything I had worked on last year was playing back in front of me at high speed –– events, parties, and marches; I saw every person I knew. It was fluttering from day to night, indoors and outdoors. And, then, I turned to look at Jackson; he was gone, and everything stopped. All I saw was his leash and collar tied to the bench. I've spent most of the day interpreting the dream and understanding its significance. A few people I've had heart-to-heart chats about 2023 with said they felt it was a fantastic year for them personally and artistically. Wh...
I Still Haven’t Met the New Me Yet in San Franciso
Editors' Picks, Essays

I Still Haven’t Met the New Me Yet in San Franciso

With less than two weeks away from the New Year, there will be no goal-making this time  — but rather listing off respectable intentions. I spent much of yesterday, December 16th, crying, a slow-moving track of tears wetting most of my motions. It was a specific type of lacrimal release — by no means a wailing of any kind, more akin to a gradual release of fluid pressure. The difference between opening a dropped can of Dr. Pepper immediately after picking it up versus waiting a minute or so before pulling the aluminum tab. Like spring rain’s first trickle through barren creeks in West Texas. I slept four hours that night; I went on a 10.6 mile run at 3:14 a.m.; I bit my pillow before throwing my iPhone at it. My unshowered head eventually filled in craters left in the sunken fluff. “Fuc...
The Toxicity of Bullying Within the Queer Community
Essays, Hyperlocal News + Stories, Queerness

The Toxicity of Bullying Within the Queer Community

And there are mental health resources for the LGBTQIA+ community to heed. A friend recently reached out to talk with me about a problem they were having. In the past thirty years as "Juanita," many people have considered me a mom, and I have lent my ear and heart to those who need it. I've said this before — I do not take the title or role of "mother" lightly.  Over this time, some very private things have been mumbled into my ear in very public places. I've taken those whispers seriously and have tried to help fix many situations. And, if I didn't have the answer, I would guide them to someone who did.  This time, a person was feeling bullied by someone I knew, and they asked if I could help meditate on the situation. There are different reasons why people are compelled to bully. T...
San Francisco’s Beloved ‘Underground’ Drag Show Series Ends With a Sweaty, Nostalgic (and Festive) Roar
Editors' Picks, Essays, Queerness

San Francisco’s Beloved ‘Underground’ Drag Show Series Ends With a Sweaty, Nostalgic (and Festive) Roar

After twelve years of serving as a touchstone in SF's best queer nightlife scene, Hell'a Tight! held its final event this past weekend. The first time I went to Hell'a Tight! — SF’s prominent, left-of-center drag show that’s dubbed itself as a “bubblegum pop” dance party since debuting twelve years ago — was in 2017 with two queerdos I was simultaneously dating at the time. (Still somewhat fresh and bright-eyed to San Francisco by way of Austin, I decided entering a throuple with a doting, handsome, eccentric couple was an appropriate and novel manner to penetrate back into the dating space; I had been itching to see if my physical polyamorous proclivities had overlap with emotional intimacy; like a molting reptile, this city tends to help shed the otherwise constricting, narrow id...
A Message of Love From My Heart in San Francisco
Editors' Picks, Essays, Hyperlocal News + Stories, Queerness

A Message of Love From My Heart in San Francisco

In an impossibly complex and contentious world, may our love for one another help streamline our inherent worth. I heard Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” playing overhead while shopping at my bodega across the street yesterday. And I must be honest with you — “joyous” wasn’t exactly the adjective that came to mind.   For the last few weeks, I’ve said, “Juanita, you have much to be thankful for. There are people in this world right now — from the cold streets of the Tenderloin to the crisis unfolding in the Middle East — who have it far worse than you do.” It’s tough to keep things in perspective, especially when there is the loss we experience every day, sometimes right at home. I don’t know about you, but it’s been overwhelming for me to comprehend the conflict playing out...
The Comfort of San Francisco Rain and Snoring French Bulldogs
Editors' Picks, Essays, Hyperlocal News + Stories, Queerness

The Comfort of San Francisco Rain and Snoring French Bulldogs

'Beyond my window, I know the world is a hot mess outside of it.' This morning, I woke up to a symphony of sounds. I laid still, kept my eyes closed, and listened to the rain hitting my windows while my two furry bedmates snored peacefully beside me. It was a concert of calmness, peace, and tranquility––much needed during these difficult days. And it was a sweet reminder to let myself exist in the moment. My heart is heavy with the news of our friend Michael Youens's passing this week. He was a sweet and kind friend and loved by everyone whose path he crossed. This past year has been full of loss, and we have all done a lot of grieving. It weighs heavily on my heart and brings up many thoughts about our existence. My peers, whom I grew up with during the AIDS crisis, are enterin...
On the Layered Loss of a Local Bike Shop in San Francisco
Editors' Picks, Essays, Hyperlocal News + Stories

On the Layered Loss of a Local Bike Shop in San Francisco

In August, the Wiggle Bicycles — a bike service and repair shop on 518 Waller Street — closed after a decade, further casting a light on how even well-supported local small businesses can sink amid swallowing overhead costs. By Michael Gaines My friend Garret Peters closed his bike shop last month. For the past ten years, the Wiggle Bicycles has been an institution — on the actual Wiggle bicycle network in our neighborhood of the Lower Haight of San Francisco. Peters fell in love with the neighborhood when he was a young boy visiting his uncle, exploring all the nooks and crannies of the environs; he quickly fell enamored with its urban grit and charm. Peters and his family were pulled to the Bay Area in the 1980s — first the uncle, then the rest of his clan. Origin...