Swift and Kelce — “your English teacher and your gym teacher” — are engaged to be married after more than two years of dating (and NFL jumbotron pandering).
Your favorite climate criminal and blase white boy got engaged this week. In case you threw your iPhone into a large body of water before sailing across the Pacific, vinyl-terrorist Taylor Swift announced her engagement to rumored-to-be-retiring NFT tight end Travis Kelce on Wednesday, August 26th. The five-picture Instagram post shows Kelce and Swift swallowed inside a pastel wonderland of fresh flowers; the ring, a supposed 10-carat cushion-cut diamond valued at north of $550,000, looks uncomfortably (and unsafely) supersized; given what we know about Swift’s ongoing climate crimes, we’d wager it’s not lab-grown, but mined … perhaps from a third-world country.
The post has already amassed over 34 million likes on the Meta-owned platform, swiftly becoming the third most-liked Instagram post ever. Cool. Groovy. Wonderful.
But hear us out: What if we … like, superimposed San Francisco into Swift and Kelce’s engagement photos? A Golden Gate Bridge cameo would, of course, come first to mind. Maybe we have them waiting for a Waymo? How about posing in front of a protest at City Hall criticizing Mayor Lurie’s budget cuts?
The possibilities are, indeed, limitless. Alas, we’re mere mortals — sentient beings wading through the collapse of American democracy, all while the planet burns. We don’t exactly have all the time in the world … but an hour or two to play with our imagination and Photoshop? That’ll do.
For y’all’s (and ours) collective amusement, we Photoshopped Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s embarrassing by “iconic” backdrops, foregrounds, and cheeky scenarios synonymous with San Francisco, putting our ten favorites in an Instagram carousel post.
Here’s the rundown, below:
1.) Taylor and Travis atop Hawk Hill with the Golden Gate Bridge and downtown SF behind them (cute and fun and flirty!).
2.) Taylor and Travis on a Monday afternoon inside a dead Westfield Mall (sad!).
3.) Taylor and Travis are seated at the national treasure that is SF’s Macy’s rooftop @cheesecakefactory (fancy!).
4.) Taylor and Travis are about to get their steps in climbing the 16th Street Tiled Steps (outdoorsy!).
5.) Taylor and Travis are waiting for their @waymo (not a private jet!).
6.) Taylor and Travis protesting @danielluriesf’s egregious budget cuts to @sfmta_muni and other public services (activists!).
7.) Taylor and Travis on the @salesforce gondola (thrill seekers!).
8.) Taylor and Travis shouldering the @jfkpromenade (car-free advocates!).
9.) Taylor and Travis in front of the DJ booth at @missmore8’s Beat Pig party (allyship!)
10.) Taylor and Travis cruising at Buena Vista Park on a burner phone with the @sniffiesapp map open (kinky!).
We’re open to suggestions for maybe a round two. But for this iteration, nothing quite hits like Taylor and Travis cruising through a popular queer hookup space.
