It’s been almost thirty years since my mom passed away. She was loving, protective, funny, and always the life of the party.
Mom was born to a family of immigrants from Chihuahua, Mexico, during the Depression of the 1930s in Niles, California. The little town of Niles had peaked as the “Hollywood of the Silent Film Era.” Around this time, many Mexican Americans were facing threats of deportation and struggling to find work amidst the era’s job crisis and food shortages. I’m not sure how my grandparents arrived in California, but I heard rumors that my great-grandfather worked as a railroad conductor for a company that traveled through the Southern states.
Beatriz was the sixth of nine children –– and fifth of the girls. As the youngest of the girls, it was apparent that she was well taken care of by her older sisters and spoiled. The family encouraged my mom to stay focused on school. In the kitchen at home, her primary duty was to wash dishes — she had a mother and four sisters doing all the cooking (they say on my parent’s first day of marriage that she didn’t know how to cook breakfast). By the time she had reached her senior year at Washington High, she was class president, head of the cheerleading team, and the first of the family to graduate from high school. I would later find great joy in watching her act out one of those cheerleading chants as an adult.
After my mom passed, I asked one of my Aunts what she was like in high school. She said that she was very popular. Then, laughing, she told me about when they drove to San Jose to see a James Brown concert. My aunt continued that my underage mom pulled out a bottle of whiskey from her purse and passed it around in the middle of the show. Yeah, that was my mom. You could say that is also me.
She loved dancing and had an excellent ear for music. Growing up, the stereo in the living room blasted music from artists Aretha Franklin, Sergio Mendes & Brasil ’66, Led Zepplin, Janis Joplin, Ray Charles, and more. I remember the excitement of digging through crates of records as a kid in Oakland after school and thinking, ‘Mom is going to love this.’ One of my fondest memories was putting new vinyl on the turntable and the two of us lying in the middle of the living room floor, just listening to the music and talking to each other.
Acceptance of loss never comes easy, nor is it a happy stage of grief. All these years after my mother’s passing, I am still feeling its effects. It took years before I could let her peacefully back into my life. Her death was devasting to our entire family. So now, I’ve come to understand what acceptance means in my life –– that there may be more good days than bad — and that’s how it goes.
As I think of things physical that I miss most of her, it would be her hands. Her hands told her life story– they were beautiful, strong, and impeccably manicured. Mom’s hands picked strawberries, threw pom-poms, drove an old Chevy, typed, and rolled delicious fresh tortillas (I never make them because I only want to remember the taste of hers). They spoke of a lifetime of work, raising children with pride, strength, and love. Her hands would have done anything to protect and provide for her family. How I wish I could hear the tap of her nails on the tabletop. How I wish I could hold them again in mine.
I’ve always felt like my mom is holding my hand and guiding me throughout my life.
Feature Image: I took this photo of my mom in our backyard with my first camera when I was five years old. (Photo: Courtesy of Juanita MORE!)
Juanita MORE! is a denizen of the limelight. For almost three decades, the laudable hostess has blitzed San Francisco with high glamour, drag irreverence, and danceable beats that have illuminated the entire city. MORE! continues to be a heaping dollop of generosity and a sprinkle of nerve. She inspires those around her to make positive differences in their lives and communities — and doing it all with timeless elegance and an innovative spirit. Most recently, after her reign, Miss MORE! holds the title of Absolute Empress 56 of the Imperial Council of San Francisco –– one of the oldest non-profit organizations globally.
To date, MORE! has helped raise over 1 million dollars for local charities — among them GBLT Historical Society & Archives, Our Trans Youth, Q Foundation, Queer Lifespace, Transgender Law Center, and more. In addition, MORE! tirelessly fundraises for organizations in San Francisco that are adamant about helping communities in the seven-by-seven thrive, all while shining light and offering support to those who’ve been overlooked for far too long.
MORE! embodies what it means to be a conduit of connection. MORE!’ brings the people together to fundraise, celebrate community, and demand social change around San Francisco and elsewhere. Her culinary expressions are an extension of what mothers have been doing in their kitchens for generations — which, simply states, is sharing “loads of love.”